(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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