Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
he's gonorrhea incarnate
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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