member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
