You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
