he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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