just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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