Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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