Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
