If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
