Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
