I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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