Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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