Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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