I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I will pee on everything he values.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize