and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
my liver is dry heaving
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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