Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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