I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I looked at my own cervix.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
