Apparently you make a good broom.
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
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