I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
