sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
