sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
