All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
