it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
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