His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Randomize
