it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
