I want to stick my p in your. b.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Randomize
