You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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