New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
