Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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