I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Randomize
