He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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