Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
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