I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize