Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
