I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
