god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Randomize
