so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Randomize
