Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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