if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
She bit a glass in half.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize