yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
