grandma shit on top of the toilet
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Randomize
