I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
