You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
