I'm pants shitting drunk right now
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
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