hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
