When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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