So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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