if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
where are my pants?
in the oven.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
