i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
