I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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