nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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