I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Randomize
