OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
