the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
