No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
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