If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
