What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
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