Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
