You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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