just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
