Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
