My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
