I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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